LIFE WILL PUSH YOU INTO CHANGE

I woke up this morning feeling somewhat disillusioned by where I was and what was happening around me. It was as if I had been living in an enclosed shelter for years, and finally my eyes opened up to all that I was blind to. It hurt. Suddenly I saw the world differently, with different eyes. It was as if I had been stowed away for centuries – been protected from the evils of this world.
I don’t know what happened for the blinds to fall off...oh, I remember…I was hurting.

My perfect world was disintegrating into a negative downward spiral that just seemed to pull me under.
And this is where I found myself this morning. Down. Down, depressed, and disillusioned. I could not understand how I had missed this all along. It was everywhere and more importantly, it was overwhelming.

My kids! My poor unborn kids. What kind of a world would I bring them into?
How did I bring a child into a society where men stopped listening to women and rather hit them or shot them dead because they would not listen? How on earth, with all of this going on, did I instill a sense of “as the head of a household you have to protect your family” to my son.

In what kind of consciousness did I bring a child into a world where young mothers buried their newborn babies alive, because they were not given an option to choose by the very country in which they lived? How on earth did I instill a sense of responsibility, the choice to choose between right and wrong, to my young daughter?

How did I allow my child, my unborn child, to grow up in a world where, mistrust, cheating, stealing, killing, manipulating, and deceit, was the order of the day.

I felt pretty down. I had a feeling that my life as I had known it was no more.
It dawned on me then that the bubble that I had lived in for years had popped. Don’t get me wrong. I was always aware of the wrongs that went on around me in this world of ours.

However, somehow, I guess in an effort to deal with it, I found a way to justify these wrongs. I analysed the situation to an understanding that the person must have been in some state of mind to have done what they were doing. And that inherently, there was good in everyone. They deeds were merely driven by circumstances or uncontrollable situations. This was what I believed.
Lately, this believe was waning. For some reason, lately, I came to realise that there are really, genuinely, truly bad people out there. There are people out there who really want to hurt you. People whom just really want to steal from you. There are people who genuinely are trying to make your life as miserable as possible. There are people who cannot stand to see you happy. There are people who even want you to be dead. There are people who will do anything to send you off in a wrong direction – a less prosperous and unhappy direction.

This was my shocking realisation. I was losing my faith in good.

I came to the conclusion that if I did not change my outlook on life and people, that I would never stop crying and hurting, or expose myself and make myself vulnerable to the absolutely horrible things that are happening out there.
My kids, my unborn kids, I realised then, where manifestations of me, living through their eyes. Who would want to hurt their kids or would want their kids to be hurt? Although even that, these days, were not a far off possibility! Well I speak for myself, I will not hurt my children…I will not hurt me.

What was happening to me during the last few days was nothing short of my life telling me to put on my amour and protect myself. It was time to change from being ignorant to negativity, to protective mode. It made sense to me. I was under attack! My protective shield had fallen away. People, whom I had thought to be my friends, appeared as wolf in sheep skin. That was scary! Relationship that I had built over years seemed to be clouded by lies and manipulation. That hurt! I found myself in the middle of the evil pool!

Swimming in fear, insecurity, doubt, confusion and suddenly isolation.

Alas, I had one weapon! A weapon that was so strong that it would always protect me and guide me away from harm! That weapon was called ignorant faith. I believed! Whether I wanted to or not. I believed. I believed that my faith in life and people would be restored. I believed that I will remain protected from evil and negativity!

And now, with my amour on, I was ready! I was ready to fight for my life, and that of my unborn children! I was ready to do what I had to do, in order to do what I wanted to do! I was ready to fight for my life, in a world with possibilities, surrounded by good people, and filled with opportunities.

END